Breaking the news you want a divorce is hard for anyone and it is important to plan some things out before you announce you want a divorce. In my experience, largely because of how our social standards teach women to be more in touch with their emotions, this can often be even harder for women on average than for men. These five steps likely apply to both men and women, but there are steps that can be taken to ease the emotional toll of the first steps of your divorce that I believe will be more helpful for women.
1. Prepare a safety net financially.
This is particularly true for the lower earner of the couple. As that more often than not is the woman, this step can be more crucial for that party. Regardless of which role you hold, whoever is more dependent on the other person for money needs to take steps to prepare themselves for the early stages of a divorce. Many times, spouses react with anger to the news, and that anger can sometimes cause them to react by withholding money. If possible, save up a decent store of money to use in case this happens to you. You will need to pay your attorney fees, and possibly pay for normal living expenses while the court takes its time ordering your spouse to pay support. It can take (depending on what county you live in, and how aggressive your attorney is) several months before the court forces the other person to start supporting you, so be prepared for this however you can.
2. Establish a circle of support who can help you through the trauma of the divorce process.
While men typically hold in their feelings, women often need to be free to talk emotionally about what they are feeling to process through it in a healthy way. This process should start, if you have anyone you can trust with the news, before you tell your spouse. It can feel like a betrayal telling your friends and family before you tell your husband, but it's not. Your friends and family can offer you valuable ideas to help you, but more importantly getting this circle of people willing to help early can let the healing from the trauma of divorce start.
3. Consult with a divorce lawyer.
This is true for everyone, but before you tell your spouse, know what you are getting yourself into. Many times there are steps you can take to protect yourself that can only be taken before your spouse knows the divorce is coming. Consulting with a divorce lawyer can help you identify the steps necessary to ensure you are going to be in a good position legally before you close certain doors by telling your spouse.
4. In cases where the woman is a victim of domestic violence, you may want to strongly consider getting a restraining order when you file for divorce.
If there has been a history of domestic violence, filing for divorce can open you up to further risk of abuse. There are ways to get a restraining order that will go into place before the other person finds out about the divorce, to protect you and let you be safe in your home during those early days when the anger is likely to be the highest.
5. Try to have a plan for your children.
There are so many variables for each family, making it impossible for me to write a single blog that can cover everything to do to protect a family. Many of these points would be covered under item 3, being my suggestion to consult a lawyer. However, you will want to put thought in, before you tell your spouse you want a divorce, about what you think is best for your children. For some people, they prefer to send the children to grandma's house for the weekend. Others prefer to move out unexpectedly. Others still, want to talk to their children first about what the process will look like. Everyone's situation and needs are different. But just be sure to put some thought into how you want to help your children walk through the divorce. This may be best discussed with a counselor or therapist experienced in helping divorcing families.
Tom Brasier is a family law attorney at Brasier Law, a firm specializing in uncontested divorce, contested divorce, custody, and protective orders serving the greater Portland and SW Washington areas. He can be contacted at 1 (503) 855-4777. Follow Tom's firm @BrasierLaw Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
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