My youngest daughter, Talula, is one of those lucky kids who had never even tasted a cookie before she got her first cavity. She was breastfed and only had whole foods for the first few years of her life, but she had four decayed teeth by the time she was 1 1/2 years old. I could not tell that they were cavities at first (there were white spots on her top four front teeth), so I consulted Google and I consulted friends. After all, you are not supposed to have to take your child to see a dentist until they are 3 or so. While I took my time figuring things out, one of her teeth started actually falling apart. I called a few dentists (finally, duh), and the consensus was pretty much that at least the worst tooth would need to be pulled. I took her to a dentist (that I found on a county list) who held my screaming daughter down and poked around in her mouth for less than a minute before she concluded that, yes, we would need to have the tooth pulled. The "bedside manner" was one that left me feeling stupid and inept.
I dazedly scheduled a date for the tooth extraction with the receptionist and listened as she gave me a prescription for antibiotics and warned me about the possibility of abscess. My daughter could apparently die if she got one. She handed me a liability waiver that I'd need to sign before the appointment. Apparently my daughter could die from the drug cocktail she'd be getting.
I broke down crying in the parking lot. I felt like a failure as a mother, for one thing, and for another thing, I was really confused by what had just happened and I did not feel at peace with any of it at all.
I turned to the only people who would understand why I was so distressed about teeth - the women in my moms group. One of the moms told me that her child had cavities as well, and that her dentist was really great and that I should go to see him and at least get a second opinion. This was when I lived in Southern Oregon, and I drove 3 hours to Portland to see him.
This experience was entirely different and I left feeling empowered. The dentist spent a lot of time talking with Lu and me. (We came in three days in a row for a couple of hours each time, just so Lu could get comfortable with the place.) She got to play with his toys and feed his hamsters and watch Dora. I was able to tell him my worries - that my sensitive mama's girl would be traumatized and that her adult teeth would be affected by such an early extraction. I was able to communicate my goals - to stop further decay and to take a route that would cause the least trauma possible.
After hearing my worries and goals, the dentist was able to give me a variety of *options* that I could decide on. I actually got to hear the pros and cons of each option and make the decision that was best for my daughter. We decided to put silver bands around each of the affected teeth, which would seal them off to further decay. It was not the quickest option. It was not the easiest option. It was not the cheapest option. (It was not the most expensive option, either. I could have gone with porcelain for aesthetic purposes.) But it was the best option for my daughter at that time, and I felt good about it. This was an option I could live with. The dentist did not make me feel like this was my fault or that I did not know what I was doing.
I asked the dentist why I had not been given these options at the other place. He said that it is just incredibly common for dentists to pull teeth like this. It is easy, it is profitable for the dentist, and it is affordable for the parent. It is just the way things are done. This new dentist actually wrote the book on how to run a dentistry practice for kids. He knows what parents want and need for their kids.
And this brings me to YOU. You are reading this, probably because you are interested in estate planning. When you go to see an attorney, I do not want you to feel how I did at that first dentist. I want you to be able to present your situation, communicate your fears and goals, and receive *options* that you can weigh and choose from in order to reach your goals. You may think you need a will or you need a trust, but what you need is to know your options.
I want you to call an attorney and say, "I need to know my options with regard to estate planning." And I would like you to meet with your attorney and tell her or him about your fears and goals. And then I would like you to ask what your options are. If your attorney shows you what your situation looks like (based on the family and financial information you have given) and gives you different options for achieving your goals, then you will be in great shape.
To your family's health & prosperity,
P.S. Want to get started on the most important planning you'll ever do for your family? Give our office a call at (503) 235-5150 to get started. You'll be glad you did.
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Oh I *love* this post, Candice. I actually got goosebumps and teared up reading it. I empathize so deeply (& am so sorry you & Lu went through that!). I'm also so grateful for our pediatric dentist (& wondering if she read your ped. dentist's book!). Well said, again!
Posted by: Danielle G. Van Ess | February 04, 2011 at 06:46 PM